- (minus) one

Here is Molly in the garden on top of the Met in NYC just yesterday.  She has been there for about a week with her Nana (my mom) for her "10-year-old trip to New York."  It always strikes me when one of the family members is gone how different the household feels.  With Mol gone, I have had to be the organizer, maker of plans and overall on top of the family's game.  Usually she does all of these things.  That is not to say that we have stumbled this week, or forgotten anything, it is just that is has been different.

Just Carson, Todd and myself in the house lends to a much more relaxed, easy-going, go-with-the-flow atmosphere which has been really fun!  Some nights we had dinner together, and others, it got late and we realised that everyone had just taken care of themselves!  Carson has been busy this week, for sure, but has been willing to just hang out with us in the evenings.  I treasure that time since I know that next summer (and beyond) we will have less and less time together; and probably less willingness on his behalf to just hang out with his parents.

In a few weeks, Carson will go to overnight camp (for the first time ever) and again, our house will feel strange with one of us missing.  With Carson gone, we will most likely have planned meals each night, each activity mapped out and planned for, and not much time to spare for just lounging.  Which is great. 

Both ways are fun, they are just different.  Now if the temps would just dip below 100 one of these days, all would be perfect!

the bright child

I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with a bright child.  I'm struggling with an extremely bright child who does not know how to challenge himself.  In no way do I intend to compare my child to his friends, or any other child for that matter, but I am struggling,  I think to put my thoughts down, and "think out loud" a little will help me map out the road ahead of me.

My child has it easy.  He has it easy in school.  He gets straight As without much effort.  He participates in all of the "advanced" programming (granted, that amounts to 1/2 hour per week in our school), and he is well liked by his teachers and friends.  He doesn't like to disappoint, so he performs well on all that he is asked.  He knows no other way.  It has been this way all of his life; easy for him.

My child is talented.  He has raw athletic talent.  His coaches wonder why he didn't play football this year.  Others see his speed on the soccer field and wonder why he doesn't do that all the time.  Recently, his basketball coaches have commented on his "lack of effort" on the court.  He seems to do what is expected and no more.  He seems to not have the confidence in himself that comes with tackling a challenge and overcoming it.  I wonder if this is because he has always had success in his life without much effort?

What's a mother to do?  How do I teach this child of mine to challenge himself?  How do I show him to live his life to the fullest, with the most effort?  How to I get him to work hard at EVERYTHING he does so he doesn't later regret his choices?  How do I show him the tremendous reward that comes with pushing yourself, and succeeding?  This life is too short to do nothing but...

I'm going to spend time googling, searching, seeking, and asking.  I am going to find someone to talk to about this.  I am going to work with his teachers and coaches to push him.  I will make this commitment to him.  He has so, so much to offer this world.  He will be an amazing contributor to his family and community.  But I will do what I can during the 8 years he has left in our home to help him understand the value of hard work and how much he can learn from tackling a challenge head on.

you capture - togetherness

I love this picture of my kids.  We had headed down to the river so I could practice taking silhouette shots.  Obviously the light and the placement was all wrong (I have since figured out how to make it work), but I discovered this happy accident when I uploaded the shots. 

My kids really do love to be together.  Don't get me wrong, they get on each other's nerves...they fight...and they sometimes hit and pinch, but usually that only happens when they have been together too long.  Most days after school and practices, they want to hang out together.  They tell each other stories about their day.  The help each other with their homework.  They just hang. 

How lucky we are. most days I remember this.

the fifth grader

This is Carson...yesterday...In a plastic bag having all of the air vacuumed out of it.

Carson is a fifth grader. Fifth grade was too long ago for me to remember exactly what it was like, but I do remember a few things: Mrs. Burch, sex ed and dissecting things like pig's eyeballs and hearts, and Chad Melvin puking every.single.time.

But, this is about Carson.  You see, somehow I have lost my baby.  He has grown up.  He has started doing things like wiping off my kisses, and sometimes turning his head away at the last second and not allowing me to kiss him.  He stopped letting me kiss him on the lips at the end of the school year last year.  I was hoping it was "just a phase."  It wasn't. 

Fifth grade in our town is the boss of the elementary school.  You are the big kids in fifth grade.  Maybe that is why these subtle changes are happening.  Carson seems to be more rude...more middle school-ish lately.  He sometimes talks with that subtle undertone of "you kind of annoy me..." He and Molly get on each other's nerves much more lately.  They fight a lot.  I separate a lot.  He and his friends "talk" back and forth on the computer thru their fantasy football website.  They type things that are funny and silly, and that I know will turn into bad words and slang all too soon. 

When did this happen?  When did all of this start?  I think back and wonder.  I feel like we eased into some of these changes, but others, I think must have happened overnight one night while I was dreaming of beaches, carrot cake and a sabbatical.  There are glimmers of hope, though.  Last night, I went to give Carson a kiss goodnight, and he grunted at me, turned his head, and gave me a lips kiss.  The first one in a very long time (that I didn't have to steal while he was sleeping.)  I got a tear and smiled in all my dreams last night. 

Here's to being hopeful, thankful and determined.  Here's to being able to continue to be open and honest when Carson and I talk to each other.  Here's to a whole new world spreading out before him...

This is Carson in 2005...the first day of kindergarten.

(two)milestone

Last night we reached a milestone.  Carson came with me and we ran 2 miles together.  I did have to beg him a little to go (and promise that next time he could ride his bike while I ran), but we did it...together.

He is definitely a faster runner than me (come on, he has 29 years on me) but he was sweet and waited for his mom.  His basketball coaches passed by us in their car, as well as his papo, and I could see the delight and surprise on all of their faces.  I was beaming the whole way.

I think this could be the start of something really great for us!

ps, can you tell I finally found a sunflower field to shoot?

road trip...day 4

Our final day of fun was spent at the Marengo Cave, and canoeing 7 miles down the Blue River. 

For the second morning in a row, Molly couldn't get out of bed by 8:30 for breakfast with

the other guests of the B & B. 

Admittedly, we were all tired from our crazy, full day at Holiday world!

The cave was awesome, and the canoeing a blast.  I was really tired at the end of our float, but Carson was a real trooper and paddled most of the way with me.  There were more than several places we had to get out and push/pull the canoe.  But as you can see we took advantage of one of them and got out to play. 

(Molly will probably kill me when she sees this photo some day!)

We had a blast on our adventure, and are definitely planning on doing something fun like it again next year...it's so fun to find different reasons to check states off  our list!

I

road trip...day 3

3 very tired folks, after a whole day spent at Holiday World and Splashin' Safari.

I might be getting too old for a day at a theme park...just sayin!

road trip...day 2

We made it!

Day 2 was filled with all variety of things.

We drove from St. Louis into Indiana, and had the requisite photo at the "Welcome to Indiana" sign.

It took longer that I thought it would to get here, but we DID detour a little bit.

We drove around and eyed Holiday World, and decided that we were

MOST DEFINITELY excited to spend a whole day there.

We spotted Lincoln National Park, and then headed to the Leavenworth Inn, our home for the next 3 days. 

We grabbed a bite for lunch and then took the scenic route into Corydon, IN

to take a look at an actual Civil War battlefield site. 

After a little rain shower, the butterflies were out in full force, and I spent some time outside with my camera.

It was a fun day.  We decided that Holiday World was the plan for the day on Wednesday. 

road trip...day 1

The kids and I are on a road trip.

We're heading to Santa Claus, Indiana.

Day one was filled with driving.

Statistics:

Books finished by Carson:  1

Movies Watched by Molly:  2

Books on tape listened to:  1  (it was really short)

Fights: none...

Hours driven:  7

Quit for the night:  Hampton Inn in Belleville, IL

two lips

the tulips in my life

as a parent

As I sit and listen to the rumble of the trains

I ponder the decisions I have made

Last night was a hard night

For me and my kid and our family

I had to tell Carson he wasn’t going to play in his basketball tournament this weekend

Because he didn’t get his homework done

He cried

I cried

He sobbed

I wept

We talked about responsibility and consequences

And how much we loved him

I wondered about the words and the punishment

And how much it would affect him 

I am still solemn

I grieve for that little boy

That is now growing older

and has to learn these things the hard way

I am sad for him and for us

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done

I have never felt so conflicted

Like such a failure

Or so emotionally spent.

Life is hard

found time

Last night, Molly had soccer practice.  Carson did too, but his coach (his dad) ws sick, so it was cancelled.  I found myself with a great opportunity for some time alone with my son.  Carson.  The 9-year-old.  My 4th grader.  My lovey-dovey, will-still-kiss-me son.  I love this "found time."  So, we decided I talked him into going to the boy's high-school soccer game.   We got ourselves some nachos, Starburst and a Diet Dr. Pepper.  We made our way up to the top of the stadium to watch.

The game was a blow-out.  None of his friends were there.  The crowd was sparse.  We had a ball.  It was so pleasant and wonderful to just spend time with my son.  My growing-up-too-quickly son.  My son who scooted up close to me to just hung out.  You see, it wasn't even about the game.  The game, honestly was boring and secondary.  For us, it was just about being together.  A hour of time we had stumbled upon to share. 

I love these found times, and have to keep reminding myself to look for them; not to worry about having a whole afternoon together, but to enjoy those little blips of time together on his growing-up timeline.  little blips...

amber waves of grain

Last evening while Todd was golfing and Molly was at a sleep-over, Carson and I braved the heat and went out to the farm to ride on the combine and cut wheat. This time of the year is always such a wonder to me. In the course of about a week, all of the wheat for almost of the entire world's bread is cut all around me. Well, not really, but that's what it feels like. Every town for miles around me is focused on one thing...cutting wheat.

This year I took my camera and really tried to watch thru your eyes. I wanted to capture some things that I would have wanted you to notice. I assume most of you have never been around a wheat harvest. Let me tell you: it is dusty, hot, smelly, dirty, and amazing. When we left the house last night it was 6:30pm and still 100 degrees. When we got home at 9:30, we hadn't even cut one whole field, we had the headlights on the combine, and it was 77 degrees. Although we didn't partake in the evening meal (prepared by the farmer's wives and brought to the field), we have many times before.

We saw a mama deer, who could have been our pet. She just bounced along ahead of the combine wagging her tail and looking back at us. While Carson and I were at the elevator, my dad saw a coyote along the edge of the field waiting for the combine to scare out something for his dinner. We saw small quail, rabbits and mice running out ahead of the combine. We saw dry lightening and a storm system moving into the East. We saw great yields, and beautiful plump seeds of grain. We chatted with Willie, the farmer my dad and brother (and some day Carson) have always worked for. We drank water and sweated. We listened to country music and got dripped on by the "air conditioner" in the combine. We drove thru Falun, KS where the only activity in that town happens at this time of the year.

I took grain home with me. I am going to mill it myself this year and bake bread with my own flour. I will eat it with vegetables out of my own garden, and I will be in heaven. For a moment, time will stand still and we will know what it might have been like all those many years ago when our ancestors did just the same: provided for themselves. I will teach my children what it means to me to be from Kansas, and why it is important that we know and maintain our heritage.

At this moment, all is well in the heartland, and for that I am thankful.

birthday

Mom and the newest 9-year-old in our family!

Happy Birthday, Carson! I can't believe you will be in 4th grade next year!

(Please DON'T notice how large I look in this particular photo!)

not that way mom

Conversation with Carson (almost 9 years old) last night after he had a shower and was in the living room reading with me:

Carson: (walking in and unbuttoning his pj shirt)
Mom: "Why are you unbuttoning your shirt?
Carson: (smiling) "Because I am hot."
Mom: "Oh" (smiling)
Carson: (big grin) "Not THAT way, mom. I'm too warm."
Mom: "Oh, OK." (bigger grin)

Later as we are done reading and heading to bedrooms and Carson is buttoning up his pj's...

Mom: "Oh, you're done being hot?"
Carson: (smiling) "ma-ahm, it wasn't like that."

Later as I tucked him into bed and stole a good night kiss and noticed he had taken his shirt completely off...

Mom: "I see you took your shirt off, were you hot in your bed too?"
Carson: (grinning) "Ha Ha, mom."

I laugh to myself every time I think of this little exchange! My little boy is growing up. I didn't even know he knew what "that kind" of hot meant!

weekend past

in 48 hours:

6 third grade basketball games

12 halves of basketball

240 minutes of basketball

1 techinical foul

5 wins and one loss

300 miles of driving to said basketball games

18 hours spent in Newton, KS

4 Redbox movies

3 stops at McDonalds, 1 stop at Wendy's and 1 dinner at Applebees

reward: 3rd place!

In other totally unrelated news...

Here's Carson (otherwise known as Massasoit in the Thanksgiving play coming up on Friday) in the costume my mom and I whipped up for him last night!

My mom pinned and cut and I sewed. Those feathers...they're from real pheasants and turkeys that were just hunted this year! How cool is that?

And yes, that's my dirty kitchen he's standing in!