on being alone

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I am alone most of the day...people come in and out of my office, but I am alone. I am alone in my thoughts, alone in my brain. I am self-sufficient. I can handle most situations. Most of the time it is quiet out there, but it's loud in my brain. I both love and hate being alone.

I am 38 years old and finally feel like "that time" of my life has arrived, You know, that time you are always waiting for? That time you are always rushing to get to? That time that is always so far into the future? My kiddos are 7 and 9. They are pretty self sufficient too. They can make themselves a sandwich if they are hungry for dinner and I haven't gotten to it yet. They can load the dishwasher. They entertain themselves. I am wondering if "that time" is all it was cracked up to be? "That time" seems to be a time where your children are no longer dependent on you are you are now alone.

I seem to be alone a lot. I dream of being alone, nothing to get to, nothing to get done. When I am alone, with nothing to do, I am always looking for the next ting to do. Rarely is there nothing to do. Last night I was alone with Carson for the whole evening. He watched tv and cleaned out the birdbath and made a viking ship out of things from the recycle bin. I, in my aloneness, with nothing to do, mowed the front and back yard, deadheaded the peonies, cut back the oregano (it's already taking over the tarragon's spot), pulled all of the weeds out of the backyard flower garden, filled all of the bird feeders, harvested radishes, and pulled all of the weeds out of 2 of the vegetable beds. That's it. Nothing to do, but hours filled. All I wanted to do was read, but if I was reading I was really alone. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED doing every one of those things. But what I loved better is when my friend and neighbor came down to show me her haircut and we drank wine together.

Some times when I am running I have flashes of words and bits and phrases that I want to write about, but by the time I get home they are gone. I need to figure out a way to harness this energy. This aloneness energy. If I wasn't such a thorough reader, I could read a lot more books when I was alone. If I had a little more brains and medical training, I could maybe figure out how to cure a disease. If I had a little more money, I could travel a lot and alone.

Although I love this bloggy world and the interwebs, they do nothing to help my aloneness. Blog and computer conversation and activity is just not the same as face to face conversation and the real deal. Am I afraid of being alone with myself? Maybe I am afraid of who I have become. I might be trying to figure out who to be next.

Are you ever alone? Who are you becoming? Thanks for listening.
>>my image. bug alone on the hot cocoa rose


3 Responses to “on being alone”
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I think I know what you mean. My kids were out of town this week, and I was so looking forward to some quiet time. Instead, I've just been wondering what they're up to, waiting until they come home, etc. My husband and I have just been staring at each other. Of course, my kids aren't as self-sufficient as yours (by a long shot). But there is this strange emptiness when you're used to having people depending on you, and all of a sudden they don't need you as much.

I don't know what to do about your brilliant thoughts while running. I have started to keep a blank notebook with me, in my purse, and, as you can see, it has taken my writing and my blog to the next level of genius. Oh wait, no -- it hasn't helped at all. ;-) But it's nice to have anyway.

i'm alone a lot and notice that it makes me less able to be around people. on the weekends when sabin's big sisters are here it's just so much louder around here and that's no fun for me. i get agitated when i don't get my alone time.

i love the alone time, whether it's weeding in the garden or hanging out on the interweb or writing.

as for grabbing the thoughts, i write stuff down, but of course that's difficult when you're running. doesn't your mobile record things? you could carry it in a little pocket and take it out and record the brilliant thought, then write them down when you get home.

this was a great post, by the way. very thought-provoking.


I'm alone here and there and I usually find that I try to read or just relax. I like being alone, but sometimes it does get lonely.